Are feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear, or anger as daily struggle? Have you tried therapy, medications, self help books? How well has that worked? I am going to assume simply because you are here reading or listening to this, that those feelings are still a problem.
Let me begin by making one thing clear, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Your feelings are a problem, forsure, and your feelings are real. But you are not the problem. You are not broken, and you have never been broken, nor can you be broken.
The problem is you’re stuck, and unable to get your basic needs met. That may sound like an obvious, duh, kind of statement, but it’s very radical from how most people approach their problems. And it is this difference in how you see your problems, seeing your pain coming from unmet needs vs seeing yourself as the problem and the source of your pain, (it is this difference in how you see your problems) that create huge differences in how you resolve your problems and your pain.
The goal of this post is to help you heal your emotional pain. And the way I am going to help is by changing how you see your emotional pain. I want to change how you view yourself, in relation to your pain, because I think how you see you is only adding to your pain.
If you have no idea what I am talking about but you like the thought “you’re not broken”, and you want to feel better, I would ask you to stick around. Let me explain what I am thinking.
Hi, I am Brett R. Williams, Licensed Psychotherapist and the Executive Director of the Gathering. The Gathering is a Non-profit that is dedicated to providing emotional support to everyone who needs it, with our podcasts and blog, and our free online growth groups.
As I shared above, today I want to help you heal by providing a new way of seeing yourself and your problems. And what I particularly want to make clear is how you are not the problem, you are not broken.
I remember a few years back my son and I went out to buy a car. He had basically destroyed that family van I gave him. And my basic philosophy with my kids was that I would give them their first car, but any car after that would be their own responsibility.
My oldest was a bit reckless with his first car and didn’t treat it with a lot of care. After multiple small accidents the car became so damaged that he couldn’t register it. Well, after discovering that it wasn’t going to work to drive without registration (again a lesson he had to learn the hard way) he decided to invest in a new(er) car.
He looked through the classifieds and found a few choices. He shared them with me and I gave my best feedback. Confidently, he picked a black Honda. We both went out to look at it and it seemed like a good vehicle. He bought it there on the spot.
The next day when he went out to drive it, it would not start. My son went off.
“Nothing goes right for me.” “Why does this always happen to me?” “Why can’t I make any good decisions?” “I hate my life.”
As a father you hate when your child melts down and beats themselves up. And in this situation it was particularly not even helpful for him. Beating himself up was not going to do anything, because he was not the problem. The car was the problem.
Walking that balance of showing empathy and at the same time redirecting I let him know I could feel his frustration. And I suggested that maybe he didn’t do anything wrong. He only had the car for a few hours. This couldn’t be his fault.
My son was feeling ashamed of not caring for his last car and ultimately losing it because he didn’t take responsibility for it. Those feelings were coming out here, as he felt bad about himself because his new(er) car wouldn’t start.
But this kind of focus was not useful. Him hating himself was not going to get the car started. We needed to focus on the problem, which was not him, but the car.
As it turns out, the problem was that this old car had an old battery that needed replacing. Once that was done, the car worked great and drove like a champ.
The point of the story is, we need to focus on the problem, the right problem, in order to get the right answers. To make change you have to look at what’s wrong, and if you are looking at the wrong thing you will not be able to fix the core problem.
Let me spell out what I am talking about. Psychology focuses on pathology. Meaning, psychology looks at you as the source of all your problems. You are the problem when it comes to psychology. If you are depressed, anxious, and/or overwhelmed, it is because you are mentally ill. You have some kind of chemical imbalance or some other problem with your brain. You are the problem!!!! You are broken!!!
That sounds so crazy to me. Everyone feels fear, sadness, and loneliness, does that mean everyone is mentally ill?
When it comes to psychology the focus is on fixing you because clearly you’re sick. You need medication or treatment of some kind to heal you: the problem.
But what if the focus of psychology is wrong? What if you are not a problem, you are not broken, you are not mentally ill? What if there is no problem, nothing is broken, but those feelings are more of an indication you are not getting your needs met?
Feeling sad, lonely, afraid, or angry are all feelings that are signifying that something is off, or missing in your life. You have three core needs, safety, desires, and belonging. Doesn’t it make sense that if you are not safe, you will feel afraid? What if you don’t feel like you belong, wouldn’t that make you feel lonely? And what if your basic needs and wants are not met? Could that make you feel sad?
At the Gathering, we focus on unmet needs, we focus on helping you learn ways you can meet your needs. Instead of focusing on pathology as psychology does, we focus on growth and how to get our basic needs met.
Our growth model focuses on 7 needs, which often happen as we move through the 7 stages of life. We believe, when you become trapped in one of these stages, when one of your core needs goes unmet, you feel unhappy and upset as a result. Your pain does not represent a problem with you. The pain occurs because there are needs which are not being fulfilled.
It’s no different than being tired, hungry, or thirsty. If you don’t eat or drink for even a short time your body will start to feel uncomfortable, and those feelings will grow stronger and stronger until you reach out and eat or drink.
There is not shame in feeling tired, hungry or thirsty, these are just signals your body is giving out that says you have an unmet need. Those feelings/sensations are drivers, prompting you to get going and address the need.
Your fear, sadness, and loneliness are no different. Your fear is telling you you’re unsafe and you need to address your core need for safety. Your sadness is crying that your desires have not been met. And your need for belonging is being expressed in your loneliness. Duh, right?
You are in pain, no question, and no shame. But you are not the problem, you are not broken, sick or ill. The problem is, you have needs that are not being met.
Let us help you grow through your 7 stages of life, to address your 7 human needs. The way we want to do that is with a growth model, learning about these stages and needs and how to address them.
Specifically, I would suggest that you come join one of our free online growth groups. These needs you have requires connection to other people. And besides, we all learn and grow better together. Please go to our community page and join a group today.
Gatheringofgoodpeople.com/community
